The Moments I Couldn’t Fully Hold: What Two Breastfeeding Journeys Taught Me About Grief, Mental Health, and Motherhood 

By Rhea Sims, MSc, BSN, RN, IBCLC

What I Thought I Knew 

Breastfeeding is pure. It’s what our our bodies and our infants are biologically designed to do collectively. And as a Registered Nurse with years of perinatal well being expertise, I understood the physiology of lactation, knew the place to hunt assist, and trusted that my medical information would information me by no matter challenges arose. However pure doesn’t at all times imply straightforward, and information doesn’t at all times translate into lived expertise. 

I assumed I understood breastfeeding. Then I turned a mom. 

I’ve now breastfed two daughters. Each journeys have been tough. Neither was tough for the explanations I anticipated. 

Collectively, they taught me one of many best classes of my skilled and private life: each breastfeeding relationship is exclusive, even for a similar mom. 

When Each Feeding Harm 

My first daughter and I struggled from the very starting. 

Each feeding was painful. Not the tenderness so many moms are informed to anticipate, however extreme, persistent ache that made me brace myself each time she latched. I spent the following seven months looking for solutions. 

At simply eight days postpartum, I developed mastitis that required antibiotics and breast imaging. My daughter was recognized with a posterior tongue tie and higher lip tie. We pursued a launch, bodywork, and latch help. I used to be handled for suspected Raynaud’s of the nipples. My nipples remained cracked and bleeding for months. I met with supplier after supplier, every providing one other rationalization, one other remedy, one other hope that we had lastly discovered the reply. And lots of occasions, bottle feeding was advised as an answer to my ache. Ultimately, we uncovered the underlying trigger and have been in a position to handle it. By then, seven months had handed. 

Seven months of extreme ache, with each single feeding.

Individuals have requested me how I endured for thus lengthy, why I didn’t simply swap to method or solely pump. 

Earlier than each latch, I discovered myself bracing my physique for the ache I knew was coming. I cried day-after-day throughout these early months, questioning how one thing so pure may harm a lot. Each feeding turned a quiet countdown, ready for the second my daughter’s rhythmic sucking would shift from nursing for nourishment to nursing for consolation. That was the second I may unlatch her and let her soothe with a pacifier (one thing I by no means thought I’d do). 

And but, even within the ache, there was magnificence. 

I discovered consolation getting misplaced in her eyes as she nursed. I felt her tiny fingers absentmindedly tracing circles on my pores and skin. She would attain up and gently caress my face and “speak” to me whereas she nursed. And each time she latched, she melted into me and let loose a deep sigh of contentment that appeared to say, “I’m residence.” 

These moments turned my refuge. 

What I grieved wasn’t merely the ache itself. I grieved by no means having the ability to totally give up to these moments. I needed to be utterly immersed within the quiet intimacy of feeding my child, however the ache was at all times there beneath the floor, demanding my consideration. I couldn’t merely be current. There was at all times one thing hurting. 

As insufferable because the bodily ache usually felt, the considered ending our breastfeeding relationship earlier than I used to be prepared felt much more painful emotionally. Persevering with aligned with my values and what I wanted as a mom. I knew my psychological well being would undergo extra if I ended breastfeeding than if I continued looking for solutions. 

So I endured. 

It could not have been the fitting resolution for an additional mom, and that’s precisely the purpose. Feeding choices are deeply private. They need to by no means be measured in opposition to another person’s journey. 

When Each Determination Felt Heavy 

By the point my second daughter was born, I had change into an IBCLC. Quietly, I hoped this breastfeeding expertise can be totally different. I imagined peaceable days spent soaking within the new child bubble I had longed for the primary time round. Feeding her with out worry, inhaling her new child scent, and easily having fun with these fleeting moments that move all too shortly. 

As an alternative, our challenges merely took a special form. 

My second daughter had a posterior tongue tie that affected her latch. Whereas I skilled some ache within the first week or two, it was nothing in comparison with my first breastfeeding journey.

We labored by positioning, oral workout routines, bodywork, and releasing pressure whereas watching her feeding enhance little by little. 

This time, the best problem wasn’t bodily ache. It was uncertainty. Ought to we pursue a frenectomy? 

From a medical standpoint, she was feeding “nicely sufficient.” She was transferring milk, gaining weight, and sustaining her development curve. We couldn’t assist however wonder if this was merely one variation of regular that she would adapt to, or whether or not we have been overlooking one thing that would have an effect on her sooner or later. 

My husband and I talked in circles for weeks. 

What if this was sufficient? 

What if it wasn’t? 

Would restricted tongue mobility have an effect on her oral improvement later? Her feeding? Her speech? Her sleep? Had been we making an attempt to forestall issues that may by no means occur, or have been we lacking a possibility to assist her whereas she was nonetheless tiny? Ought to we wait and cross these bridges in the event that they appeared, or make a preventative resolution now? 

Most significantly… 

What alternative would trigger the least hurt? 

The monetary price wasn’t in the end what weighed on us. If a frenectomy was really what was greatest for our daughter, we have been completely satisfied to pay out-of-pocket for it. What made the choice so agonizing was not figuring out whether or not it was really obligatory. Insurance coverage thought of it an elective process and wouldn’t cowl it. But as dad and mom, we weren’t asking whether or not it was elective—we have been asking whether or not it was greatest for our little one. 

As an IBCLC, I understood the proof. As her mom, I merely needed certainty. 

As an alternative, I discovered that generally there isn’t one good reply. Typically there are solely two loving dad and mom making an attempt to make the most effective resolution they will with the knowledge they’ve. 

Sarcastically, regardless of carrying the emotional weight of these choices, my psychological well being was so a lot better than it had been the primary time round. 

Expertise had taught me that breastfeeding didn’t need to look good to be significant. I knew the place to hunt help. I had extra lifelike expectations. And I had discovered to belief myself, even when certainty wasn’t doable. 

What These Journeys Taught Me

Trying again, it amazes me how totally different my daughters’ breastfeeding journeys have been. 

With my first, I suffered as a result of my physique harm. With my second, I suffered as a result of I beloved her so deeply that I used to be terrified of creating the fallacious resolution. And whereas I turned an IBCLC due to my first journey, this didn’t shield me from breastfeeding challenges with my second. If something, it deepened my appreciation for the way nuanced they are often. Data didn’t eradicate vulnerability; it merely modified the questions I used to be asking. 

These experiences reshaped the best way I take into consideration breastfeeding success. I now not imagine there may be one definition of a profitable breastfeeding journey or one proper alternative for each household, regardless of what I used to be taught as a brand new nurse. Typically persevering with breastfeeding is what protects a mom’s psychological well being. Typically altering the feeding plan is what protects it. And generally deciding to not breastfeed in any respect is the healthiest alternative for her psychological well being. 

Each mom enters motherhood together with her personal hopes, values, help system, and circumstances. And each child brings their very own distinctive strengths and challenges. The objective shouldn’t be perfection. It’s discovering the trail that helps the well-being of each mom and child. 

What I Need You To Know 

If breastfeeding is one in every of your targets, my best encouragement is to arrange earlier than your child arrives. Hunt down prenatal breastfeeding training; I like to recommend a course particularly devoted to breastfeeding. Study what’s regular, what isn’t, and establish the sources out there to you earlier than you want them. Whether or not it’s an IBCLC, your healthcare supplier, a neighborhood breastfeeding help group, digital lactation help, or organizations like Postpartum Help Worldwide, reaching out for assist shouldn’t be an indication of failure and is commonly the very factor that permits households to proceed assembly their feeding targets. 

Even with 15+ years of nursing expertise and later turning into an IBCLC myself, I nonetheless wanted the help of different professionals. These experiences deepened my empathy for the households and purchasers I now serve. Right this moment, I don’t outline both of my breastfeeding journeys by how tough they have been, however by what they taught me about resilience, humility, instinct, love, and the ability of individualized help. 

Trying again, I notice my psychological well being wasn’t protected by breastfeeding itself. It was protected by making the alternatives that aligned with my values in every distinctive season of motherhood. For one journey, that meant persevering by months of ache. For the opposite, it meant embracing uncertainty and trusting myself to make the most effective resolution I may for my daughter. 

The identical mom. Totally different child. Totally different journey. Totally different variations of power. As a result of there isn’t any one proper breastfeeding story—solely your personal.

In regards to the Creator

Rhea Sims, MSc, BSN, RN, IBCLC

Rhea is a Registered Nurse, Worldwide Board Licensed Lactation Marketing consultant (IBCLC), perinatal educator, full-spectrum doula, and mom with greater than 15 years of expertise supporting households all through being pregnant, beginning, the postpartum interval, and early parenthood. She holds a Grasp of Science in World Well being and is obsessed with bridging evidence-based care with compassionate, individualized help. 

Since turning into a mom herself, Rhea’s work has more and more centered on the mother-infant dyad, breastfeeding, maternal psychological well being, and empowering households to make knowledgeable choices that align with their values and distinctive circumstances. Now primarily based in Spain, Rhea gives unbiased lactation help, perinatal training, and full-spectrum doula companies to households whereas persevering with to help healthcare professionals as a Perinatal Nurse Educator with MEGI Well being and consults on perinatal wellness initiatives. Her work spans each the US and Spain, reflecting her dedication to enhancing maternal and toddler well being by training, advocacy, and accessible, evidence-informed care. 

Rhea’s personal experiences navigating two very totally different breastfeeding journeys profoundly formed her apply, deepening each her medical perspective and her empathy. She believes there isn’t any one “proper” approach by parenthood—solely the trail that’s proper for every particular person household—and that each father or mother deserves expert help, knowledgeable alternative, and the reassurance that they don’t have to navigate the journey alone.

Discover these PSI Sources:   

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